Question:
At the end of this last April, I went to see my MD to maybe try some
other SSRI, like Prozac. On a scale from 0 to 10, 10 meaning living a
relatively happy life, I was at a 7. He thought I should just up the
Zoloft to 200 mg, but I wanted to see if another drug would work
better. Anyhow, I got on Prozac for about 2 weeks and plummeted to
about a 0.5. I was thinking things like "what if nothing is real?"
"what if i kill myself?" "what if every sort of stimuli around me is a
trick from God just to keep me sane and alive?" I got off of Prozac
and took nothing for a week. I then started Paxil, stayed on it for
about two weeks, then went to a psychiatrist. Since the Paxil wasn't
really helping she said I need to get off it immediately and go back
to Zoloft. I wished I had never stopped taking it; none of this
would've ever happened. She told me that after being on 150 mg for
one week that I should be feeling just like I did in April (at a 7,
which is PARADISE compared to the way I've been feeling). But now
it's been two weeks and I don't feel that I'm getting better. In fact
sometimes I almost feel worse. Last night, I got it in my head that
nothing was real and that I couldn't take the pain anymore and was
going to kill myself. Of course, I didn't, because I am typing this
now.
I just want to know that these thoughts are strictly thoughts and
won't lead to any action, because the thought of suicide makes me
panic. (I also have panic disorder.) In fact all of the obsessions
make me have panic attacks to different degrees. I have become scared
to drive my car because I'm afraid I will pass out. Passing out is
another thing I've been terrified of lately. I'm afraid either I'll
pass out in my car and while unconcious I'll have my foot on the gas
and die in a wreck, or I'm afraid that while driving I'll "go crazy"
and start driving all over the road trying to hurt myself. Anyhow, I
didn't intend to type so long. Please, if anybody can help me, or has
experienced/overcome similar obessions, please let me know. I am very
scared right now (i feel at about a 2) and I've just GOT to get
better.
Answer:
I can relate to a lot of what you're talking about. I've had similar
obsessions (although no compulsions) for the past few months. Recently I
was afraid of doubting everything I think, I've also been afraid of suicide
and killing my wife in the same way.
Although I'm not an expert I feel very confident telling you that these ARE
just obsessive thoughts and they will NOT lead to actions. The very fact
that you're so afraid of them stops you even more from doing them. Although
panic and fear feel absolutely horrible at the time (I have felt all these
things during my worst moments of obsessive thoughts, including panic
attacks) that's all it leads to; feeling very unpleasant.
I've been undergoing Cognitive Behavioural Therapy for a few weeks and it
has really helped me in dealing with these types of thoughts. Have you
considered/tried CBT before? My guess is you would benefit a lot from CBT
and benefits continue even after the therapy as you will be much better
equipped to deal with these fears.
I was actually going to email you yesterday after reading your
posts, but had to sign off the internet for some reason (can't
remember now). It sounds like we've had some very similar episodes.
This morning I was absolutely horrified that I was going to kill
myself because "nothing is real". After talking with a neighbor
friend of mine I realized that the idea that I'm the only one here on
this planet is preposterous, and that there is no reason to commit
suicide. OCD is a very disabling disorder to have. It can make you
think outrageous thoughts and at times your mind almost believes them,
but logic will always be in our corner. I feel really good tonight
for the first time in a long time, and hopefully this is the beginning
of many good tomorrows.
Ida, I just went up to 200 mg of Zoloft so we'll see how I do with it.
I'm thinking that things are definately looking up.
