Question:
I do not fear panic attacks any more. I think this has been a major
step. They are intensely frustrating, and extremely unpleasant, but can
they harm me? No. If one occurs, there are steps that can be taken to
halt it, if I choose, or I can simply ride it out. Maybe I can take this
attitude because I have never had one in a public place, only in instances
where I have been with a few friends, or by myself. (smoking, or
running). I recently tried smoking a few cones again just recently, but
induced a more mild attack (i was very careful to smoke small amounts).
In my reading, I have not read much about marajuana and panic attacks. In
fact I've only really read people sayint that it helps them. Does anyone
have any information on this?
Answer:
Until recently, I had been living in a personal hell for as long as i can
remember, things becoming significantly worse this year. I felt my only
hope was to dig deeper, to try and find an answer, I lived in this hope.
About 6 months ago after suffering what I now think may have been panic
attacks, I knew something was seriously and definetly wrong, and started
to read as much as I could on psychiatric disorders and mental
illnesses. After I was sure it was Panic Disorder, I went to get
professional help. About 6 weeks ago I was diagnosed with Panic Disorder,
aswell as Social Phobia, and have started medication, in the form of
Miclobemide.
It's pretty hard to sum up what is your whole life in a paragraph, but I'm
sure since I'm posting here, people will understand.
I am many many times better and happier than I have ever been, and am
confident that I will continue to improve.
I could write about 50000 words on how I am feeling, and my journey to
where I am today, but I did start this message for a specific purpose.
My first panic attack occurred after smoking marijuana. I thought that
this episode was being distorted by the marijuana that what I was
experiencing was extremely distorted. It was only recently that I
experienced another panic attack to the same magnitude under no drug
influence. This has made me realise that all these other times, that were
occuring sometimes a few times a week, were periods of intense anxiety,
but panic attacks and intense anxiety are two VERY different things. This
realisation has made me question whether Panic Disorder really does cover
what is wrong with me. I am in therapy, and have found reading through
material like "The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook" extremely helpful.
Until my diagnosis I was very depressed, but then I got to a stage where I
totally rejected the idea that that could be true, thinking that it must
be some form of attention seeking, but then, crying 3-4 times a week, and
insomnia are not attention seeking acts. I felt very lonely, but began to
wonder what could possibly make me happy. I saw nothing that could make
me satisfied, or happy, still felt incredibly lonely... suicide was
always on my mind, but I never got to stage where I actually had a weapon
in my hand that could kill me. I laughed off ideas of suicide to my
psychiatrist when she was diagnosing me. At that stage, just before the
diagnosis, I believe I was slightly manic again, from recently discovering
Panic Disorder in my readings, and realising that the world of shit I was
living in, didn't have to exist.
I guess something else I wanted to get off my chest is trying to reason
with a panic attack. When it first occurred, it was freaking me out, on
the inside. Externally i appeared very still and silent, but inside, my
mind was in total overdrive, spinning, spirally, circling, around, unable
to rest for a moment... extremely hard to communicate, thought processes
jumping, almost like trying to communicate a new colour, a 5th
dimension... flights of ideas that jump over 5 ideas, and 2 seconds
later, you've forgetten 3 of them. Anyway, after my next panic attack I
came to the conclusion with was some form of "insanity" and this made
everything alright, and I was in an extreme state of mania for a week.
Until I crashed... All this was happening with no knowledge (I explain it
now, in retrospect)... crashing again, failing, back into the hopeless
despair of depression... kinda gets you down. You give up on being happy
for any length of time.
I find it extremely mentally unpleasant, but I do not so much feel the other symptoms... maybe I'm too preoccupied with
my mind and its state. I didn't feel like I was "having a heart attack"
in any way. I guess it still concerns me that I went to see a
psychiatrist with a self diagnosis of Panic Disorder.
The thing I have recently been thinking about, is that I am unconvinced
that Panic Disorder is all that is wrong with me. It is very hard to know
what is "normal", and I think I'm close, now, but I still am experienceing
mood swings that seem extreme. I have been able to control these by
smoking a cigarette, but that has just been the past week, and I smoked my
last one thismorning. I want to be able to analyse what is going on, and
distorting it with nicatine, and starting another addiction is not going
to get me anywhere. (I did previosuly have a caffiene addiction, in the
form of coca cola). Damnit I'm always losing my train of thought. I have
been reading a lot about bipolar disorder the past few days and it makes a
lot of sense to me, but I'm really not sure.
